What if Matt was:
by Crimson Cupcake
Summary: A waiter? A series of oneshots surrounding Matt and what could have been if he had a different career. Lots of crack guaranteed! No pairings! Previously written by The Awesome Cool PeopleTM. AU!
1. A cop

**A/N: **Aaaaand, the long awaited Matt oneshots are back! Hurray! -claps and cheers- This is CC bringing you _What if Matt was:_ (I decided to get rid of the 'a'). Previously this used to be a collab between me and Sazerac on the account called _The Awesome Cool PeopleTM_ but since Saz abandoned the fic, I've decided to write it.

For those who haven't seen this before, I'm going to be adding the old chapters as well. But fear not, when I upload old chapters, there will always be a new chapter close behind 8D

_Disclaimer: Don't own Matt, nor Death Note, nor anything you recognise. Yeah._

_Warnings:_ This chapter (and some other chapters) were written during _NaNoWriMo_. You have the right to be scared._  
_

* * *

Matt rounded the corner, and gazed upon the house with its many windows and doors. Beside him, Mello cocked his gun and nodded. The two of them slipped through the open gates and crouched down directly underneath the window. They had been tipped off on this particular house selling drugs. Matt exchanged glances with Mello, who nodded.

They were each wearing a bulletproof vest and were more than trained to do this. Matt shifted the gun in his hand, then counted very slowly to three.

"One...

"Two...

"Three!"

He sprang up, crashing through the window and rolling to break his fall, before raising his gun and aiming it at the first thing he saw. "FREEZE, POLICE!"

What greeted him was a very surprising sight.

Three men, perhaps in their late teens or early twenties, and one young woman stared at him, half-way through cutting a chocolate cake. One of the men—a guy with black hair and large eyes with bags under them picked up a sugar cube and looked at him curiously.

"And you are?"

Matt shifted uncomfortably. "I'm ... um ... wait! I don't have to tell you! I'll tell you anyway." He flipped his police badge. "I'm Matt Jeevas, residential awesome policeman. And this is my colleague, Mello Keehl." He indicated Mello, who, bored with the events, had started eating chocolate.  
"And you?"

"My name is Light," a smart-looking brunet in a suit spoke up. "Yagami Light."

"Hey, I know you!" exclaimed Matt. "Your dad works with us! What's his name? Yagami ... Su ... Sushi?"

"Soichiro," said Light coldly.

"Whatever," interrupted Mello. "Are you or are you not selling drugs?"

"Would you like to buy some?" said a teen with curious white hair, playing with toys.

"AHA!" yelled Matt, "Caught in the act!"

The teen rolled his eyes. "No. _I_ was testing _you_ to see whether you were drug addicts."

Matt blinked in surprise. "Why would you want to do that? I've shown you my freaking badge, for video games' sake!"

"Badges can be fake," said the raven-haired man gravely. "My name is Ryuzaki. I work with the police force. In fact, all of us do. Except Misa."

The blonde girl in the room smiled and winked. "Hi, I'm Misa Misa! Are you Misa Misa's fans?"

Mello ignored her. "Do you have a badge?" he asked.

Ryuzaki shook his head, eating a strawberry. "But I have handcuffs." He took them out of his pocket. Matt wondered how handcuffs could possibly fit in those worn jeans.

"Handcuffs don't count!" said Matt. "We were tipped off about you guys selling drugs. Are you? You look really suspicious."

"Suspicious?" sniffed Ryuzaki.

"_You_ look suspicious," Light pointed out, speaking to Matt. "I mean with those dodgy goggles and strange stripes—" Matt looked miffed "—and girly blonde hair and _leather freaking pants_, don't you think someone would suspect you?"

Mello glared and muttered something about keeping undercover.

"You owe us a window," the albino teen said monotonously.

"Shut up," Mello hissed at him.

Misa strutted over to him in her dangerously tall heels. "Light-o! Don't you think I'm cuter than him?" she giggled.

"Uh..." Light was momentarily stunned. "Yeah, Misa. Yeah. Huh."

"Well," announced Mello with a superior air, "we'll be staying to monitor your actions. So while we're watching..." He trailed off, and suddenly disappeared. Everyone's heads swivelled at the same time, and found Mello standing next to the table with chocolate around his mouth, and the entire chocolate cake gone.

"That was quick," remarked the white-haired teen.

Matt stared at him suspiciously. "You haven't introduced yourself," he pointed out. "Who are you?"

"My name is John Smith," he deadpanned.

Mello nodded, thinking it was somewhat uncommon to be named John Smith. "Are you related to Bob Smith? Or Bill Smith? How about George Smith?"

"No, Mello," said 'John', "You're such a gullible idiot. I'm Near. Near River."

Mello blinked. "Oh." Well Near wasn't an uncommon name at all.

"Hang on," Matt said slowly. One could almost see the cogs in his genius brain turning. "How come everyone has a last name except you?" He pointed an accusing finger at Ryuzaki. "Are you a dealer?"

Ryuzaki sighed, eating another strawberry. "It's because I'm actually the best detective in the world, L. I'm famous."

Matt raised an eyebrow. "Never heard of him."

Mello however, was goggling. "_You're_ L?" he gasped in excitement. "Like, oh my God, L! Like, it's so good to see you! Like, you have to tell me about the LABB cases and, like, everything! Like, oh my God this is so exciting! This is the best day of my, like, life!"

L paled, looking utterly lost with how to deal with a raving fanboy. "No, I'm not L," said L. "I'm...uh...Eraldo Coil."

"Oh." Mello sighed in disappointment.

Light sighed as well. "I'll write a book," he told L. "It'll be called _How to deal with raving fanboys_."

"What about fangirls?" asked Matt. He suddenly pointed to the window, where there were a bunch of fangirls standing right outside it.

Light shrugged. "No idea how to deal with them."

Unfortunately, they all seemed to remember at the same time that the window was broken. Mello stared, horrified, as the hoard of girls rushed towards them, squealing at incredibly high pitches and all wearing extremely revealing clothing.

They were suddenly overwhelmed. Matt found himself in a sea of fangirls, all squealing and sobbing over the fact that he wasn't dead—now where could they have gotten that assumption from? He could see they were also sobbing over L and Mello, and Near got a considerable amount of attention. Despite this, Light had very few fangirls surrounding him, and Misa had next to none.

She probably fared better with the male population.

Matt was caught off-guard as he watched, and some lucky fangirl managed to plant a kiss on his cheeks amidst the chaos. The fangirl immediately squealed at the top of her voice, screaming about how she kissed her 'cute Mattie-poo', and the rest of the fangirls immediately swooped in as well.

Needless to say, he fainted.

* * *

**A/N:** Aaand, that is all for today! Hurray! If you are interested, please review. If you aren't so interested, review anyway.

Yes?

-CC out!


	2. A vet

**A/N:** Yayyy! For one I actually updated on time! This one is an old one from _The Awesome Cool PeopleTM_'s account. I won't be including Sazerac's in here because...it's my account. If you've read this already, don't worry. I'm going to update another chapter in a few minutes time ^^

_Warning: Oh, um, Bleach references. Don't worry 'bout it.  
_

* * *

The bell tinkled as the door below it was pushed open. The receptionist, who had currently been lying on the table, half-asleep and half-playing with his toys, looked up in interest. It was their first customer all day, and the receptionist hoped that it would be their last, by the looks of the customer.

Said receptionist twirled his white hair, glancing briefly at the blond who had entered the store. Finding him ordinary, the receptionist, who went by the name of Near N. River, turned his attention back to the robots and lego toys he had previously been playing with.

Said blond who had entered the store looking around with a frown. He was holding a cage, an in it an unhappy-looking bunny stared forward, occasionally hopping around the small space.

"Hey," the blond greeted.

Near looked up cynically. "Has your animal come to see the vet?" he asked quietly. Without waiting for an answer, he gestured towards the pen and paper lying on the table. "I'll just take down your name and details."

The customer set the cage down on the table and grabbed a pen, writing in a messy scrawl 'Mello M. Keehl'. It was barely readable, even to Near's sharp eyes, and he couldn't help frowning at the writing when 'Mello' finished.

He took the piece of paper and began to read from it in a monotonous voice. "Your name is Mello Keehl and you are a male of 17 and you live–."

"Yes, yes!" Mello said impatiently. "Now let me see the vet, would ya? Chappy's here for her annual check up."

"You'll have to wait a moment," Near replied boredly, although scowling at being interrupted. "The vet is currently very busy and –."

Twitch. "THERE ARE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS! LET ME SEE THE DAMN VET ALREADY!"

Near frowned. That was the second time he had been interrupted today, an in the period of a minute. He did not like being interrupted. "Right this way," he sighed dejectedly, slipping off his seat and slouching off. Mello grabbed Chappy's cage and followed into a room.

The room was dimly lit and rather strange, Mello thought. For one, it was dark and ominous and had strange _pi-pi, piki-pi_ sounds coming from a corner—oh, wait. On closer inspection, there was a redhead sitting in the corner, pressing a hand-held game console of some kind. He looked up and saw the two people. Mello noticed orange goggles around his eyes and a cigarette between his teeth.

"Yo, customer?" he asked rather unnecessarily, hastily pausing his game. "Name's Matt. Matt Jeevas. And you are...?"

"Mello Keehl," the blond replied, rather stiffly.

"'s nice to meet ya, Mello," Matt grinned. "Thanks, Near, you can go now." With a nod in Near's general direction, the redhead placed his console (now that Mello was closer, he could see that it was a PSP) onto a nearby desk. As Near left, he closed the door, leaving an awkward silence behind.

"So! This is...your rabbit, I presume? Male or female?" Matt asked.

"She's a girl," Mello said stiffly.

"Ahhhhhhhhh." The redhead made a show of straightening his goggles and stroking a non-existent beard. "How old?"

"Three and a half."

"Name?"

"Chappy."

Matt nodded wisely, chewing on his cigarette. "Chappy the rabbit. Cool name. Alrighty. So we'll just get him out of the cage and...Oh, oops!" In his eagerness to see Chappy, he had accidentally ripped the hinge off the door, having attempted to open it from the wrong side. "Ehehe, my bad," he said sheepishly. "But now the cage is open now, isn't it?"

Mello fumed, taking out a bar of chocolate from his pocket. He loved chocolate. It was good for everything: food cravings, chocolate cravings, relieving stress, chocolate cravings, poisoning animals, chocolate cravings, becoming a mafia boss, chocolate cravings, being smart...did he mention chocolate cravings? No? Well, chocolate cravings.

"What happened to Mr. Lawliet, the old vet?" he asked venomously.

Matt shrugged indifferently. "Oh, L? He was always strange if you ask me. One day a kid called Light Yagami walked in and asked to talk to L. The vet was never seen again."

"Doesn't that sound a _lot_ like a murder?" Mello accused.

"Nup," Matt said simply. "The kid didn't level up when he walked out."

"But was he _carrying_ a body when he walked out?"

Matt stared. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "After you die, your body vanishes in three seconds! All you need to do is collect the drops, and killing L would've made ya level up any day."

"But—"

"So anyway, you can leave Chompy here with me and I promise he'll be fine and dandy when you pick him up next week."

Mello bit off a slab of chocolate in annoyance. "Her name's Chappy! She's a girl! And I have to wait a whole week?"

"Yup." Matt straightened his goggles again.

The fuming blond walked out.

Mello stared in horror at the horrible and horrific sight before him.

He had done exactly as Matt had said, leaving the bunny here, going home to have some hot chocolate, watching some TV before bed, and waiting a whole week before seeing his beloved Chappy again. Although, mind you, Mello did have a large number of pets in his house, and he didn't miss Chappy as much as he thought he would, but he still missed her a bit, and he was pretty pleased that the week was over because heck, he had not had a good week. His boss came and told him that there was a new worker called Light Yagami. The name was awfully familiar, but he couldn't place it. And then there was also the fact that Light Yagami had a black notebook and singlehandedly destroyed—ahem.

...Back to the horrible and horrific sight.

Mello stared in horror at the horrible and horrific sight before him.

Chappy was tap-dancing.

And no, he was _not_ joking or high on chocolate. And he didn't even take drugs.

There his cute little rabbit was, wearing tap-dancing shoes and tapping out a rhythm in tune to the music coming from Matt's PSP. She was dressed in a pink frilly lace dress with a little bow on her head and...leather pants?

...What?

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" Mello screamed in horror, covering his eyes and ears at the same time. Or at least, he tried. "HOW COULD YOU – WHAT PERSON COULD DO SUCH A THING TO AN INNOCENT LITTLE RABBIT? OH MY DEAR CHAPPY!"

Matt, on the other hand, seemed rather pleased with his work. "He's brilliant, eh?" he grinned, pressing buttons furiously on his PSP. "I knew you'd love him."

There was a shocked silence.

Then Mello fainted.

**Epilogue:**

It should be known that after this chaotic incident, Mello cried for a week and donated Chappy over to a certain Kuchiki Rukia.

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**A/N: **Aaaand another awesome chapter! 8D Yay! I find I have a lack of things to say here xD

Review~

-CC


	3. A chef

**A/N:** And, another chapter! Yay! This one is a newly-written one, written in the middle of November. Yup. NaNoWriMo. Uh-oh.

But personally, this one's my favourite.

* * *

This was the best day of Matt's 19 year old life. Well, actually, no it wasn't. There was the day where he met Mello, the day he got into the same uni as Mello, the day Mello liked the chocolate he made, the day Mello gave him chocolate, the day Mello finally got revenge on Near and the day Near flooded Mello's room with melted chocolate as revenge to Mello's revenge to Near's revenge (because that was just funny to watch Mello licking the chocolate off everything he owned).

But yes. You get what Matt means.

He reread the letter excitedly and squealed, jumping around the room and throwing cushions around everywhere. It was at that exact same (untimely) moment that Mello decided to burst through the door, spinning his gun and snapping off chocolate.

Seeing Matt go crazy, Mello had to continuously fire the gun to shut him up, which resulted in many bullet holes in the ceiling and their apartment almost collapsing on them.

Of course, the tenants upstairs were absolutely not pleased Mello had almost killed their cat, so they filed a lawsuit. But that's another story for another time.

"What," deadpanned Mello, "is wrong with you, Matt?"

"I'!11!one1!" yelled Matt.

Mello frowned. "Come again? And stop hyperventilating, for God's sake."

Matt took several deep breaths, closed his eyes, meditated for half an hour, then finally spoke. "I. Am. Cooking. Dinner. For. The. Greatest-detective-in-the-world!"

Mello was not impressed. "Why the _hell_," he demanded, "are you cooking dinner for a _detective_ when I'm in the frickin' _Mafia_?" He immediately paled at the stupid Freudian slip. "Crap. You did not need to know that." He waved a hand in front of Matt's face in a Jedi-like fashion. "You heard nothing."

"I heard nothing," repeated Matt mystically, before suddenly snapping out of it. "What the hell, Mels? You're in the Mafia?"

"Erm ... no," said Mello with a smile which was much too innocent for his own good. "Absolutely not. Back to what you were saying."

Matt raised an eyebrow from behind his goggles, but allowed Mello to turn the subject back to him and his wonderful cooking. "Yeah, well. See, L ran a cro—"

"Who's L?" Mello interrupted.

Matt stared.

Mello used _shifty eyes. _"What? I don't keep up on detective stuff, okay?"

"L's _only_ the greatest detective the world has ever known!"

"Okay okay, geez!"

Matt grinned. "Fine. Well, L ran a crossword competition that was super-hard, and nobody could solve it except me! So the prize was to cook for him. I know, I'm great. I know. Thank you." He bowed.

Mello stared at him. "Huh."

"What?" asked Matt. "Aren't you happy for me? Aren't you over the moon? Aren't you going to congratulate me or anything?"

"Uhhhhhhh...Yeah. Sure. Congrats, Matty."

Matt beamed. "Thanks, Mel!"

-xox-

It was very reluctantly that Matt discarded his vest and striped shirt to wear a suit and tie instead. It was with less reluctance that he completely ditched the suit and tie after Mello said he looked like a fag. So he ended up going to L's hotel in his normal clothes.

As soon as he stepped in, the air conditioning hit him. It was absolutely _freezing_ in there. Matt was sure that if he wasn't wearing his vest, he would have frozen to death. The detective was sitting on a chair in front of a laptop, crouching in a weird fashion. He had black hair and bags as if he hadn't slept for an eternity, and was wearing torn jeans and a crumpled white shirt. If Matt hadn't known who he was, he would have thought he was some hobo on the street who had crept into this hotel by chance.

Speaking of the hotel...

"Woah," gasped Matt, looking around in admiration. The room was huge. He had his own royal suite, queen-sized bed, window (bullet-proof glass, naturally) with a spectacular sight (though the curtains were drawn, which was a shame), enormous bathroom and, best of all, a gigantic kitchen, with the pantry stocked with ingredients literally spilling out.

"Now this is paradise!" Matt grinned.

L turned around from his position in front of the computer. "Ah, Matt, right?"

Matt nodded. "Hey L! It's so cool to finally meet you!"

"I do admit I usually don't meet people," L said. "But you're smart. Do you want to be my successor?"

Matt blinked and sweat dropped. "Nah, I'd rather cook. But hey, I know this enemy of my friend who wants to be a detective. His name's Near."

L nodded sagely. "I'll look into it. Meanwhile, please make me some chocolate mousse cake. All the ingredients you need are in the pantry."

-xox-

L looked up from his position to see Matt adding the eggs and sugar. "More sugar," he told the teen.

Matt hurriedly added more sugar.

"More."

He added some more.

"More!"

He added some more.

"Just empty the whole thing."

Matt did so.

L shook his head. "Not enough. Add another packet."

Matt's jaw dropped. "Y-Yes ... sir..." He opened another packet and dumped it in. By this time, the bowl was positively overflowing with sugar, and he wasn't quite sure how the flour and chocolate mixture were going to go in. Although that probably wasn't his main problem right now.

He suddenly realized that despite the pantry being filled, there seemed to be nothing in it that wasn't sweet. Heck, he was even surprised there were eggs at all. (As it was, the four eggs he used were the only ones in the pantry).

"Um ... L?" he asked. "There's no flour. Or butter. And ... I kinda need that stuff."

L looked up. "You're supposed to be one of the best chefs in the world, right?"

"Uh..." Actually, he was only an amateur. But Matt wasn't going to say that. He had a suspicion L wasn't the one who set up the crossword puzzle, so he didn't know _how _his contestants were getting tested. "Sure I am."

"Then make do without the flour or butter, please."

Matt gaped at him, before deciding there really was no way out of this without being literally defenestrated (also known as being thrown out of the window). Therefore, he would have to 'make do'. He decided to substitute sugar for flour and sugar for butter because honestly, what else was there to use?

In the end, he finished his _extremely_ dodgy chocolate mousse and presented it to L, teeth chattering and physically shaking. If L didn't like this, he would be so dead. On the other hand, if L liked it, he would probably become a millionaire just by presenting a resume stating 'the greatest detective in the world liked my dish'.

He placed it in front of L, who picked up a corner of it with his hands and dropped it into his mouth.

"Not enough sugar," stated L.

Matt promptly fainted.

-xox-

"So how was it?" Mello asked immediately, when Matt entered their apartment looking like a drowned rat with goggles and stripes.

"Horrifying," replied Matt faintly, collapsing onto the couch. "Oh my god Mels, it must be such a nightmare working for a guy like that."

"Why?" asked Mello, snapping off some chocolate and looking generally unconcerned. "What happened?"

"Sugar, sugar and more sugar," said Matt dazedly, waving his hand around as if hallucinating. Mello thought perhaps he had overdosed on sugar and was now crazy, so he began calling the mental asylum, which was always on speed dial for emergencies like this. Matt smiled a little. "I referred him to Near, though."

"WHAT?" Mello had sprung up from his position, looking furious, and had dropped his phone. He quickly picked it up again, making sure it didn't have a single scratch on it. When he found out it did, he quickly threw it into the bin and began surfing the internet for a new one. "Why did you do that?" he demanded. "You _know_ I don't want Near to go anywhere near a job, much less a chance to become a detective! No pun intended, stop laughing!"

Matt wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. "Sorry, Mels. But in all honesty, I don't think Near will have any fun working for that guy."

"Near never has fun anyway!"

"True, true. So what have you been doing while I was gone?"

"I quit the Mafia," said Mello with a smug smirk. "I've decided, Matt. I'm going to become a detective! If it means I can hire someone to cook chocolate for me for free, I'll do it."

Matt's jaw dropped. "You're not serious."

"I am. That's why ... GET BACK TO L AND TELL HIM YOUR FRIEND WANTS TO STUDY UNDER HIM!"

"Oh no ..."

And that was how poor Matt was forced back to L's hotel the next day, with a gun secretly pointed to his head and a very desperate Mello standing just outside.

"Hey, so ... L ..."

The detective looked up. "Yes, Matt? You're back again?"

"Yeah. See, L, I have this friend—he's a really nice friend and not pointing a gun to my head right now or anything—and he'd really like to study becoming a detective. So he was wondering if I could introduce you to him ... I mean, him to you!"

"Is he standing right beside you, out of sight, pointing a gun to your head?" asked L.

"Yes—I—how did you know?" asked poor, confused Matt.

It was at this time that Mello chose to appear. He pushed Matt aside and sprang into the room, posing effortlessly and simultaneously biting off a piece of chocolate. "Hey L! I'm Mello. That's Mell-o. So you'll let me be your new apprentice or student or something, yeah?"

L nodded. "Sure, Mello. But I'm afraid you'll have to be working with someone."

Mello smiled innocently, though he was secretly furious to not be the only disciple of L. "Who is it?"

"His name is Near."

Mello promptly fainted.

But as it stood, he took the job anyway.

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**A/N:** Hurraayyy for Matt! xDD Review?

-CC


	4. An athlete

**A/N:** And we are back! This is an old one from the old story, so feel free to skip! ^^

* * *

The locker room was bursting with anticipation as the eleven players' hearts hammered, sitting there preparing for the match. Their colours of white and blue mixed, with two soccer balls sitting in a corner, untouched. A few hours before they had been frantically training, getting used to the field and their nerves, but now nobody had the heart to touch it.

"Okay, guys." Their last player walked into the room. He was in his mid-twenties, with a white shirt, faded jeans, black hair and dark bags around his eyes. "Are we ready?"

Several people nodded. Nobody dared to open their mouth. One of them was gulping down chocolate like his life depended on it, and the other kept banging his PSP against the wall. A third was knocking his toys against the floor, showing possibly more emotion than he had ever in his lifetime.

"Yeah, we're ready!" Matsuda shot his hand into the air. "We're pumpin'! Don't worry, L, we'll definitely win!"

"We're up against Team Kira," L said seriously, "but it's no big deal. After all, Justice will prevail!"

"Yeah!" The rest of the team cheered.

Matt sneaked quietly over to where Mello was, gulping down chocolate like crazy. The blond suddenly choked, face turning from red to purple, and Matt had to thump him on the back twice. "You ready, Mel?" he asked, when he no longer seemed to be dying.

Mello shot him a confident look. "Heh! Duh, Matty! We'll beat those Kira idiots to a pulp and show 'em who's boss!"

Matt grinned, putting down his PSP for perhaps the first and last time in his life. "To Team Justice!"

The other smirked, snapping off a piece of chocolate.

"To Team Justice!"

-xox-

In the other locker room, the atmosphere was the opposite. Light lounged against the wall, eating a bag of potato chips and looking positively delighted with his life. Their cheerleader, Amane Misa, walked in and spotted him and immediately walked over. "Li-ghto!" she beamed, positively glomping him. "How are you feeling? Is everything okay? Do you need Misa to bring you a notebook?"

Light sneered at the evil thoughts running through his mind. "Everything is planned out, Misa. The referee, Ryuk, has been bribed. We have sabotaged Aiber so he cannot play, and instead his place is filled by an imbecile, Matsuda. Nothing can go wrong."

Misa beamed at him. "What about that guy who was on drugs before? Marsh? Michael? ...Caramel?"

"Mello," Light hissed. "And that _stupid_ Near!" His eyes seemed to turn red for a moment. "Ah well, no problem. If we have Ryuk on our side, we have the game in our hands. Victory will be for Team Kira!"

"TEAM KIRAAAAAAAAA!" Mikami yelled over-enthusiastically.

"Yes," Light cackled. "Now where's Demegawa? We need to start!"

-xox-

The whistle was blown.

The game started.

Immediately, Near passed to Mello, who passed it to Matt, passing it back to Mello, passing it to Matt again, passing it to Matsuda, who let the ball slip away from him. Light dashed up and intercepted the ball, passing it swiftly to Mikami, who was a midfielder. He shot a pass over to Higuichi. Seeing this, L deftly spun the ball from his grasp, passing it to Near, who passed it to Mello.

And so the cycle went on, a full fifteen minutes where both sides were equal, each grasping for the ball and threatening to push forward past the defence lines and to take a shot at the goal. But at the start of the 16th minute, the first chance arrived for Team Justice.

Matt, imagining himself playing this game on his DS, lobbed the ball in Matsuda's direction. Both fullbacks came up to him at once and Matsuda, panicking, kicked the ball pathetically in any direction he could. One of the fullbacks got to it before Mello and shot a wide kick towards the other side of the field.

Mello's eyes widened in anger. "Matsuda, you IDIOT!" he screamed, reaching for his chocolate before he realized chocolate wasn't allowed on the field. "You have a clear chance! It was wide open! And you didn't even _try_ to take the shot! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Calm down, Mello," Near said quietly. "Light's got the ball at our end now. Let's draw back."

Still fuming, they focused their attention to the other end of the pitch. Light had passed to Mikami, and then positioned himself. Mikami relayed the ball back and Light, aiming carefully, sent the ball spinning precariously past the goal-keeper's outstretched fingers and into the net.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

A giant cheer for Team Kira deafened the stadium as Light circled the pitch twice, screaming in triumph. Somewhere within that noise, Misa's annoying voice could be heard above the racket, occasionally drowned out by Takada's hysterical cries. Then, when the hype had calmed down somewhat, they resumed the game.

Matt passed effortlessly to Mello, who evaded two of Kira's midfielders. There were only three more players blocking his path now, and one was coming up quickly. Near, who had made it past them, signalled furiously yet silently to show that he was clear. He saw Mello's eyes widen in understanding, anger, then stubbornness as he ignored Near and aimed a wide kick of the goal, which flew well clear of it.

Silently cursing, Near retreated and prepared to initiate their defensive tactics.

-xox-

The buzzer sounded for half-time.

Both the teams immediately ran to meet their coaches. Watari met his team disapprovingly. "One nil already, and you guys have barely shot at the goal," he reprimanded.

Mello immediately shot up. "It's not my fault!" he protested indignantly. "Matsuda had the _perfect_ chance, but he didn't take it! _That's_ why those Kira brats were able to score!"

"Mello," Near said quietly, pushing down his anger. "To play on a team, you need to cooperate. Back then, I was wide open. Why didn't you pass it?"

Mello mumbled something about not wanting others to steal his glory. Near rolled his eyes.

-xox-

Second half began badly for Team Justice. As L ran past him with the ball, Light inconspicuously stuck out his foot, both tripping L and claiming the ball for himself. The referee, Ryuk, turned a blind eye, despite the protesting fans. Light smirked. Bribing Ryuk sure was worth it.

Then, when L tried to pay Light back for that, by pushing him slightly when Light had control of the ball, Ryuk sounded the whistle and held up a red card. The fans screamed in protest, but Ryuk's judgement was final. Fuming, Mello accompanied L off the pitch.

"That was NOT fair!" Mello snapped, casting furious looks at Ryuk. "Stupid ref is biased!"

L sighed. "It's alright, Mello. I'll bet you Light bribed him. Get back on the pitch."

Mello did so, but reluctantly.

As they started again, Matt took control of the ball. Smirking as he evaded Team Kira, he tossed the ball to Mello. The blond easily manoeuvres around the last few fullbacks and, eyes screwed in concentration, aimed a kick at the goal.

The lucky goalkeeper blocked the shot, but the ball was sent rolling away from him. Seizing the chance, Near aimed and spun the ball neatly into the back of the net.

The cheer which went up was enormous. Every single Team Justice fan was on their feet and screaming encouragement. What with Matsuda's incredibly horrible skills and the bias of the referee, many fans considered this goal a great achievement.

But Team Justice weren't going to settle with a draw. They had to win.

There were five minutes left of the match and both sides were becoming increasingly desperate. Team Kira, who had such a huge lead for the entire match, were playing to their maximum potential. Team Justice, equally determined, removed all forms of defence and focused on attack. Even their goalkeeper, Alternate, came to help.

Matt and Mello were working together flawlessly. Mello twirled the ball past a player and passed to Matt, who held the ball long enough for Mello to get into position. Together they almost made to the other end of the pitch, but Light came towards them.

He quickly captured the ball from Mello's grasp and started back up the pitch. Seeing this, Near took the ball from under him. Both fullbacks came at him, and he passed to Matsuda.

"CRAP!" Mello yelled, sprinting towards Matsuda. "SHOOT, YOU IDIOT! SHOOT!"

Matsuda stared at him, looking around for a moment, and then randomly kicked.

Nobody moved. Nobody even dared to breathe. Every eye was on the ball as it soared past the goalkeeper's outstretched fingers and into the goal.

There was silence.

"!"

The noise would have made an atomic bomb sound insignificant. Every single person – including Team Kira's supporters – was cheering and clapping and blowing their noses and crying and screaming and jumping around and cheering and cheering and cheering and the whole crowd was ablaze with fire.

But Light still had hope. "DON'T BLOW THE WHISTLE!" he screamed at Ryuk, running over. "Ryuk, Ryuk," Light pleaded desperately. "If you don't blow the whistle, I'll pay you a thousand more dollars."

Ryuk took one look at the desperate face and shrugged. "Sorry, Light. No can do."

He blew the whistle.

* * *

**A/N:** I really love this. Would anyone find it weird if I didn't comment here after the story, or would you prefer no comments at all?


	5. A Bleach Shinigami

**A/N:** Okay guys, this is a Bleach crossover. If you do not read/watch Bleach, it's fine if you skip it, but I think un-Bleach people should understand...well, I tried my best to make it so.

_Disclaimer: Do not own Death Note, Bleach, LOTR or anything you recognize._

* * *

There were a lot of things that were left unexplained in Soul Society.

First of which: What the hell?

Okay, a question that actually makes sense: Why is Japan the centre of the universe? What exactly is the difference between shunpo, sonido and hirenkyaku? And how exactly does one shunpo out of their haori? Also, why does nobody have guns, or phones, or any electronic device when it is easier to communicate or fight with them? How can everything be made up of a substance that isn't physical?

These were just some of the few questions that ran through Matt's mind. Standing next to him, Mello was also gaping with undisguised horror.

"Hey Mels?" asked the redhead, deeply regretting that he couldn't bring along his DS or any other portable gaming system.

"Yeah, Matt?" replied Mello. Luckily, Soul Society did allow chocolate, or else a certain blond would have gone crazy and slaughtered half the place by now.

"I reckon," said Matt carefully, "that we're dead." It was such a geniustic comment that the audience (what audience?) had to gasp in sheer amazement at his words.

"Hmm ... I think so too," said Mello, wrenching another gasp from the audience. "Wanna become a Shinigami?"

Matt jumped, looking horrified. "You mean those things that have weird notebooks that go around killing people? Why would I—yeah, okay, sure."

Mello bit off some chocolate dramatically. "Great, let's go."

Without any waiting (because everyone knows there's _no_ waiting list) and absolutely no hitch, the pair of them walked through the gates of Seireitei (which totally don't have a guard. Totally.) and into the barracks of the First Division (without anyone finding it suspicious at all). They were met with the sight of an old man with a walking stick.

"Yo!" said Mello, pushing Matt aside to do all the talking. "I'm Mello Keehl. That's Matt over there. Matt Jeevas. We'd like to become Shinigami."

The old man nodded. "Okay. My name is Yamamoto Genryusai Shigekuni. I am the Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13 of the Shinigami of Seireitei, Soul Society. Before you join our ranks, there is something extremely important you two need to do."

Matt raised an eyebrow. "And that is?"

Mello jumped in front of him. "Shh! Matt! Let me do the talking!" He cleared his throat importantly while simultaneously opening another block of chocolate. "And that is?"

"You need Japanese names," proclaimed Yamamoto. "You—" he pointed to Mello, "—are Mero Kiru." Mello gaped, and even momentarily forgot to eat his chocolate. "And you—" Matt paled, "—are Mato Jivasu."

Matt's jaw dropped to the floor. "No," he deadpanned. "Just—no."

Yamamoto sighed. "Fine. But everyone's going to call you that. Now—go to fight Aizen! Off you go!"

A Garganta—also known as a portal of awesome—appeared right behind them, and was using its epic, non-existent powers to pull them in. "Waiiiiiit!" Mello yelled, as he desperately tried not to get sucked in by grabbing the edge of the table. He was unsuccessful. "We don't even have our sword thingies! Or training! And who the hell is Aizen anyway?"

"This _is_ training," replied Yamamoto. "Aizen's some dude you have to fight. Oh, look out for his Espada henchmen. Away you go!"

"Who are the Espa—" Matt tried to yell, but he was pulled in before he could finish his sentence and the Garganta closed.

Yamamoto sighed. Another peaceful day without newbies.

-xox-

"ARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!11!one!1" yelled Matt.

"!11!one!1!1one!1" yelled Mello.

With a dull thud, they landed in Hueco Mundo, with an imposing, stick-thin raven-haired figure who was looking at them with a distinctively unimpressed expression. However, he is not important at present and shall be ignored until our beautiful main characters notice him.

"What the hell, Mels?" Matt complained, groaning and rubbing his sore back. "Is everyone in there crazy? And check the sky! What, is it eternally night here?"

"You bet," said Mello whom, despite the rough landing, had managed to land on his feet with not a single speck of dust on his leather outfit. His hair was still perfect, his scar still looked as good as ever, and most importantly, his chocolate wasn't ruined at all. "God, that was a crazy ride. It was like crashing a van when you're having a heart attack all over again!"

"You crashed a car while you were having a heart attack?" asked Matt, confused.

"Yeah," said Mello. "I'd prefer being shot dead, personally. Being heart attack'd by Kira is ... kinda shameful."

"I know what you mean," said Matt wistfully. "But at least you got to kidnap and knock up some pretty girl—"

"I did not knock her up!" snapped Mello, followed by the crisp sound of snapping chocolate.

"What ... is that?"

Both Mello and Matt turned around at the same time to see an extremely pale man with half a helmet ("Ha!" said Mello triumphantly. "Only _half_ a helmet. And what is that pointed thing?"), black hair and cyan lines running down his face ("Makeup," said Matt knowingly, "definitely makeup."). He was regarding them with a bemused expression and pointing at something in Mello's hand.

Mello bit off some chocolate. "Huh?" he said intelligently, befitting of a genius orphan of Wammy's House.

"What is that?" repeated Ulquiorra Cifer monotonously, pointing very specifically to the chocolate.

"Oh this?" asked Mello, holding it up. "You can't have it. It's mine." He took out his gun and hugged his chocolate protectively. "And if you try, I'll gun ya down."

Ulquiorra did not raise an eyebrow, though he probably wanted to. "That looks like Starrk's release."

"What the hell?" asked Matt. "This guy's bonkers, Mels. I reckon we should kill him and go find that Isaac guy instead."

"You sure it was Isaac?" asked Mello, thinking the idea over. "I reckon it could've been Isen. Like, you know, Isengard?"

"Nah, pretty sure it was Isaac. Or maybe Izard."

"What, we're looking for a chamois **(1)**?" asked Mello.

**[(1) An izard is another name for a chamois, which is a goat-antelope.]**

"We're looking for leather **(2)**?" replied a confused Matt.

**[(2) Chamois is also a type of leather]**

"That'd be great," remarked Mello. "That'd be really great."

"Are you talking about Aizen?" asked Ulquiorra.

"Oh yeah!" chorused Mello and Matt at the same time.

"Where is he?" asked Mello.

"He got sacked," said Ulquiorra with a shrug, "and replaced by some kid called Near."

Matt gawked. Beside him, Mello threw up.

"_Why_," demanded the blond, when he had finished heaving up his insides, "does Near follow us freaking _everywhere_?"

"He's not even dead!" added Matt. He peered closer to Ulquiorra. "Hey, wait a sec. You look suspiciously like someone I know. I just can't place ... erm ... who is it ..."

"Does he look like Kira?" asked Mello.

"No." Matt shook his head. "Uhh ... damn this is hard ... Oh I know! L!"

Ulquiorra sighed, and then quickly took out a towel, wiped off all the makeup ("I knew it!" said Matt), threw off his half-helmet, picked up a strawberry and smiled. "I guess you got me, Matt. And here I thought nobody would notice."

Matt cheered. Mello's eyes had turned into spirals and were now spinning at a thousand miles an hour. "Woahhh ... L ..." he said dizzily. He suddenly snapped out of it. "Wait! Does that mean you're working under Near? What in the name of God?"

"Well, see..." L shifted uncomfortably. "I was here, right, and I knew Light-kun was Kira, and I met this really nice guy called Grim-something and I asked who the head cop was so he could arrest Kira, and then the Grim-something guy lead me to this weird guy called Isaac—no, wait, Aizen—and I told him that Light-kun was Kira and he smiled and asked me whether I'd like to become an Espada, and I didn't know what an Espada was but Aizen probably took my silence as a yes so ... here I am."

"Yeah? Well, we were sent to kill Aizen," said Matt quickly, which was a much shorter story and L's had been. "Any idea where he is?"

"Not really," said L. "But as the Cuatro Espada—" Matt and Mello goggled at this, "—I must bring you to our ... erm, new Lord of the Hueco Mundo-world. That is—Near. I'm not quite sure how he managed to get here without dying, but he's here. So if you'll excuse me, I'll just don my disguise again and we'll be off."

It took L half an hour to apply his makeup and jam his half-helmet over his head to make sure it wouldn't fall off. Then they set off, but due to the long and gruelling process of walking, everyone would rather shunpo/sonido. Therefore they got to Las Noches in no time at all, despite the fact that Mello and Matt had just became Shinigami and really had no idea how to shunpo.

L was back into his Ulquiorra self, and he lead them emotionlessly to the throne room where Near was half-seated, playing with lego toys.

Ulquiorra bowed. "Near-sama. I have brought ... intruders."

"Hey! I resent that!" said Matt, who was promptly ignored.

Near looked up disinterestedly. "Right. Thanks, Ulquiorra. You can leave now."

Ulquiorra gave another bow, turned on his heels and exited the room. Now it was just the three genius orphans battling it out to the non-death.

"Why hello, Mello," said Near, completely ignoring Matt. "It's nice to see you.

"It's not nice to see you," growled Mello in response.

"Why would that be?" asked Near.

"Stupid sheep," hissed Mello.

"Bottle blonde bimbo," replied Near calmly.

By this point, Matt was positively jumping around for their attention. He couldn't take it anymore.

"WHERE IS AIZEN?" Matt yelled.

Both Mello and Near turned, the former jumping. "Oh yeah. Where _is_ Aizen?" said Mello.

Near raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? We just sent him back to Soul Society."

Matt facepalmed.

* * *

**A/N: **8D Review?


	6. A teacher

**A/N: **Ahahaa I'm late I'm sorry. I was busy and forgot to update...but here it is ^^

This is another old one, by the way!

* * *

Matt stared, exasperated, at the sight before him. A classroom filled with little kids. Kindergartens, to be exact, starting their first day of school. And he was supposed to remember 20 of their names—or maybe it was 30—perhaps 25—oh he didn't care.

Just the look of them made him shiver. Especially that blond one in the corner playing with his rosary and biting a bar of chocolate. There was a sinister glint in his eye that Matt just didn't like. And the other kid in the other corner—the albino one playing with those toys—he just looked miserable and all too much like an abused kid.

Matt sighed. Back to business.

"Alright, little bra—kids! I want you all to make a big circle and introduce yourselves!" he tried calling in what he hoped was a nice and friendly manner. In case one couldn't realize by now, Matt hated kids. When he signed up for this job, he had expected a bunch of maybe 4th graders, playing handball or whatever was in fashion. He had not expected himself to be babysitting a bunch of children!

He was in the prime of his life, after all. Eighteen going on to nineteen. Certainly way too young to be a teacher, and certainly way too young to waste his life doing this. But while Quillish Wammy, the principal, had refused at first due to his age, he later realized that there really was something special about the redhead.

When he noticed nobody seemed to be listening to him, Matt tried again, yelling slightly louder over the din. "Excuse me, kids! Make a circle please!"

Some of the students actually listened, and sat themselves around in an oval which looked more like a cluster of stars than a circle. The two kids in the corner, Matt noticed, came reluctantly, with both still hanging on to their items.

"So, everyone!" He winced at the forced happiness in his own voice. "Welcome to your first day of school at Wammy's House! I'm sure you'll have a fun time here! My name is Matt, and you can call me Mr. Matt, okay?"

A kid put up his hand.

Matt took one look at the kid and grimaced. As expected; it was the blond kid. "'scuse me," he said pointedly, "but aren't we supposed to call you by your surname? Matt's your first name, isn't it?"

Stupid geeky know-it-all. Matt sighed. "Fine. You have a point. Call me Mr. Jeevas then."

Another kid spoke without even bothering to raise his hand. It was the albino kid. Sometimes Matt wished his predictions weren't so spot-on. "Why wouldn't you want us to call you by your surname, _Mr. Jeevas_," he asked quietly. "Are you ashamed of your name or are you one of those adults who had always considered a name change but never actually had the guts to do it?"

Matt grimaced again. This kid was talking way too fluently, too fast and too sophisticated for a kindergartener. _And_ he was insulting him. Damn brat. "How old are you? Uh...you know what, never mind. Let's just introduce ourselves. Starting with you." He pointed to a random girl.

"My name is Linda!" she said brightly. "I loooove drawing! One day, I'd like to draw the face of the Greatest Detective in the whole wide world!" she beamed, as if expecting a round of applause from the rest of the class.

"Uh, yeah." Matt forced a smile, and didn't bother pointing out that right now there were currently _two_ greatest detectives in the whole world. "So, next!"

The next boy had dark-brown hair which might pass for black, and eyes which almost looked red in the light. He grinned mischievously. "My name is Beyond. I like jam."

Matt waited for him to continue, but he said nothing further. Shrugging, he moved on to someone who might pass for Beyond's twin (and probably _was_ Beyond's twin).

"I am L. Justice will prevail. Please bring me cake. That is all."

The redhead stared. This class was full of weirdos. He sighed as it was the blond troublemaker's turn. "And you?"

"Name's Mihael Keehl. But nobody calls me _Mi-harlllll_," the blond screeched. "Everyone knows me by Mello."

"Mello," Matt nodded sagely, stroking his goggles. "I see. Next."

The albino kid looked up. "Near," he said, voice barely audible.

Matt frowned. "Near? Near what? What are you near? Your doom? Why are you saying the word 'near'? Do you have an ulterior motive? Are you trying to distract me while stealing my PSP? Or are you saying my PSP is near? Because it isn't, I swear! Don't come near my PSP! Or my DS! Especially not my Xbox! Why is near so important? Is it your time of the month?"

Silence. Then...

"...My name is Near."

"Oh. Okay." He had just majorly embarrassed himself. Again. Luckily it was in front of a class of weirdo kids who didn't really get it anyway. Or so he hoped. "Oops. Sorry."

"You're welcome," the kid who was apparently called Near (Matt didn't believe that for a second!) answered. In fact, it wasn't even an answer. Who would say 'you're welcome' to a phrase like 'sorry'?

"Uh, next, then!" Matt said, attempting to recover.

A young auburn-haired boy was sitting completely straight, a lofty look in his eyes and a posture which showed supreme power. He'd probably later go on to become class captain. "My name is Light Yagami. My dad is in the police force, so don't mess with me. He will come and give you heart attacks and mutilate your body and pluck out your eyes and EAT YOUR POTATO CHIPS! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Will he eat my sweets too?" L whimpered.

"YES, HE WILL! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

L began crying. Beyond, however, looked pretty interested in all this talk of mutilation. Matt only looked thoroughly creeped out that a child so young could emit such...evil...vibes. "Uh. Yeah. Anyway."

Eager to escape, Matt reluctantly went through the rest of the class. When he was finally done, he decided to lead them out for a game of dodgeball. Better to have the kids kill themselves than for him to be found guilty of their murders.

He chose Near and Mello to be the team leaders, just because he didn't want two stupid brats on the same team. Near was given a chance to choose first. He chose L. Mello chose Beyond. Near chose Linda. And so the cycle continued. In the end, nobody wanted Light, but because Mello's team had one less person, they had to take him.

Then the game started.

There was only one ball. Mello seized it and threw it with otherworldly strength towards Near, who simply sidestepped. L picked it up and threw it at Beyond. His twin reluctantly retreat—no, he advanced in another direction, screaming "I WILL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS, L!" Light, still cackling triumphantly, picked up the ball and threw it successfully at L.

"OUT!"

L sulked as he walked out of the area. They continued playing until only Mello, Near and Light were left on, which didn't take too much time at all, considering their ferocious throws. Near managed to get Mello out, so now there was only Light left.

Matt waited in bated breath, silently cheering for...himself.

Because honestly, who cared about these kids? Mello was out anyway.

Long story short, Near won. _Yay_, Matt sighed, leading the kids back inside. It had barely been half a day, and he was already annoyed beyond measure.

He needed a smoke.

* * *

**A/N:** Reviewewwww~


	7. A Kung Fu master

**A/N:** New chapter ^-^ Oh, and before we start, I would like to say I _do_ have experience on this xD So you don't have to worry about it being inaccurate or anything...or am I the only one who does that?

* * *

Matt proudly surveyed the small host he had gathered up. "See, Mels, I told you it would work."

Beside him, Mello scowled. "This is stupid, Matt. This is really stupid. And here I thought you were actually smart."

Matt gasped. "Woah, you thought that?"

"Sadly."

"I'm so honoured, Mel! But back to the subject." He addressed the couple of people in front of him. "So you guys are here for computer class, right?"

"Erm ... no," said someone in the small group. He was a brunet and dressed in a business suit, and shall be known as Yagami Light for the present. "We're here for kung fu class, remember?"

Matt blinked. "Oh. Yeah. Right. Well. You guys are here for kung fu, right?"

Everyone nodded simultaneously.

-xox-

"Right." He began pacing in a circle in front of them. Matt was well aware of just about everyone's eyes on him (including Mello's). "So, guys. The first thing about kung fu is that you have to _look_ good. I mean, it doesn't matter whether you actually _are_ good or not. You just have to look good, kay?"

"But won't that end up with us being killed?" asked an albino teen. He shall be named Near.

Matt looked shifty. "Erm ... no. Of course not. Didn't you hear the story about how an old man beat back a thief just by posing and looking cool?"

Silence met his words.

"Um, right. Next. Right, yeah, well, um, well ... let's start off with a punch. Please punch, everyone."

Light Yagami immediately turned around and punched the person standing next to him, who happened to be a dark-haired man known only as the letter L. As it was, L was sent crashing onto the floor and immediately retaliated by kicking Light. And so the catfight had begun. Erm, human-fight. Whatever.

"Stop!" yelled Matt, but his voice was unable to be heard as the two men fought in the most crude way possible (which involved one of them reaching for some candy half-way during the fight). "Stop!" he called again. Everyone ignored him.

There was a sudden bang.

The fighting stopped immediately, and everyone turned as one man to see Mello with a smoking gun, and a hole in the ceiling. He snapped some chocolate. "Listen to Matty!" he commanded in a Mafia-like tone.

Near raised an eyebrow. "And you are?"

"None of your business, sheep," snapped Mello.

Near raised another eyebrow so that he was now raising two eyebrows. "And you are?" he repeated again.

"Mello," hissed the blond. "Matty's friend. Mello Keehl. Goddamn you, sheep, just get to work."

Matt sweat dropped. "Right, well that didn't work as planned. How about try punching something that isn't the person standing next to you?"

Light immediately turned around and punched the person on his other side, who happened to be L's twin brother, who happened to have enough sense to duck to avoid the punch. However, he dumped a whole jar of jam (which really isn't all too much) onto Light's head instead.

Now an extremely pissed Light soaking in jam and face smarting from where L kicked him glared at everyone. He then had a lightbulb moment: surely nobody would pick on him if he told everyone he was the greatest serial killer—AHEM. He meant God. God. Yes, surely nobody would pick on him if he told everyone he was the God of the New World!

"I am the God of the New World!" Light announced pompously. "I am Kira! Fear me!"

Within seconds, the police had arrived and handcuffed Light. They threw him into the back of a police car (with him still screaming about justice and such) and drove away with flashing lights and loud noises.

"Well that was ... weird," remarked L's twin, B. "A perfectly good jar of jam ruined, too." Matt blinked. Honestly, do their parents have an obsession with single letters or something?

"Back to the point!" said Matt quickly. "Well, now that everyone seems to know how to punch, let's try kicking instead. Split into groups of two and start ... kicking?"

-xox-

It was a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. Matt could not keep his eye off them for _one damn second_ for something to go wrong. The first time, it was because a black-haired man (called Mikami) stepped on Near's toys and broke them. Near flew into an absolute rage and had to be forcibly restrained by L and Mello together. The second time, Near claimed Mikami to be a paedophile, and Matt fixed this by having Mikami thrown out of the class. The third time, L's candy spilled. It took half an hour for everyone to pick it up. The fourth time, B's jam spilled. Matt threw _him_ out as well. The fifth time—god Matt did _not _want to talk about it anymore.

"C-C-Class dismissed," he stuttered, collapsing onto the floor. His students went out one by one, probably glad to leave. When finally it was only him and Mello in the room, Matt looked up. "This was a horrible idea," he said faintly. "It's utterly your fault, Mels."

Mello scoffed. "Oh yeah? Watch me, Matty-boy. It's time for the sexy one to take the stage." He cocked his gun.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Yeah ... whatever, Mels ... whatever."

-xox-

"One! Two! Three! Four! L, punch harder! B, stop eating! Goddamn you, sheep! Actually _do_ something!"

Matt stared, wide-eyed, at the way Mello was able to control the small class. Of course, it may or may not have something to do with the gun he was pointing to their backs. Nah, probably not.

"Class dismissed!" ordered Mello. "Go out in two straight lines ... You know what? Screw that. Get out of here and bring chocolate next time. And it better be good chocolate." Seeing everyone stare at him, he frowned and tapped his gun. "What? Get on with it!"

Seeing his gun, all the students left as quickly as possible, leaving Mello and an extremely stunned Matt.

"What are you staring at?" asked Mello.

"That was amazing, Mels!" said Matt in amazement. "Utterly ... WOW! I didn't know you could do that! Actually, I didn't even know you knew kung fu."

"I don't," said Mello, "I just did what you did last lesson. Including some cool punches I learned from the Maf—erm ... Muffin man."

"Muffin man?" Matt frowned, but dismissed it. "Well, whatever, Mels. You should totally lead the classes from now on, you know?"

"_You're_ the one who knows the kung fu," objected Mello.

Matt's eyes darted around shiftily. Okay, so yes he had been to a kung fu academy for a couple of weeks, but he had been thrown out due to his playing video games in class and his smoking, no matter how many times they told him to stop. So yeah, three weeks of learning absolutely nothing.

And then Mello suddenly thought he knew this whole bunch of awesome crap and forced him to start a school.

"You know, Mels," said Matt thoughtfully, "I think we should quit this."

Mello looked aghast. "WHY? MATTY? WHY? We're going so well!"

"Erm, no. _You're_ going so well," Matt corrected. "I'm like ... no good."

The blond rolled his eyes. "Matty, you are freakin' brilliant. If you can't do it, no one can. Now promise me you'll give all your little minion things a good spank—erm, lesson next week, okay?"

Matt blinked. "What?"

Mello shrugged. "Just do the usual."

-xox-

"Now get into pairs! We're doing some sparring today!" Matt yelled over the noise. His minion—ahem, _students_ did exactly what he said.

"Now!" shouted Mello, interrupting Matt, "You have one minute to wipe the floor with your opponent's guts! Kick some ass, bitc—"

"Don't listen to Mello!" Matt interrupted. "This is _non_-contact! You hear me? NON-contact! Don't want anyone dying or anything."

And, as usual, nobody listened to Matt. Half a minute later, the room turned completely chaotic. Instead of fighting in pairs, everyone went at everyone else's heads. Almost the whole class was down by the time Matt blew the whistle to stop. In fact, the only one who was still standing normally (as if he hadn't moved a muscle) was Near.

"I could swear to God that stupid albino sheep hasn't moved a muscle," Mello whispered to Matt.

"That's because I haven't," Near deadpanned, making Mello flush indignantly. "I just waited for everyone to finish everyone else off."

Matt blinked. "Oh. Well ... that's pretty smart."

Near smirked.

* * *

**A/N:** Haha, review 8D

-CC


	8. A Death Note holder

**A/N:** Matt as a Death Note Holder! Yes, this is an old one ^^

* * *

Matt was a normal person.

Well, he wasn't _really_ a normal person. But he liked to consider himself normal, yes. Why would he not be, you ask? It's because he just happened to be an orphaned genius who goes to the orphanage of Wammy's House which, if an outsider asks, is actually a prodigious private school full of rich, snobby, smart kids and costs more than a billion dollars each year to go to.

But in actual fact...it was an orphanage full of the world's most brilliant orphans which would one day replace the Greatest Detective in the world, L. But you already knew that.

Now here's what you didn't know.

It begins with the story of A's death and B's disappearance. The two of the earliest orphans shared a room, of course, and considering they had almost both vanished simultaneously, _someone_ needed to clean their rooms out for other orphans to use, although why anyone would want to sleep in a room formerly occupied by insane and suicidal kids was past him.

As such, being Matt, and having rotten luck, he was the one in charge of cleaning the rooms.

And while he did, he found something very very interesting.

It was a black notebook. Not any black notebook. It had the words 'Death Note' written on it in quite a horrible handwriting. And, when he touched it...

"WOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Matt yelped, jumping backwards and dropping the notebook in the process. Luckily nobody was around the dormitories at the moment, all being in lessons (he was exempted). He adjusted his goggles, blinked a few times, and stared at the decidedly ugly thing which had just jumped out of his Final Fantasy game. "What the _hell_ are you, man?" he gasped. "Are you related to Chaos?"

The Shinigami looked down boredly at him. "What's a kayohs?"

Matt's mouth dropped open. "You don't know—he's like—oh, never mind," he gave up. "Who are you? You're not some weird lurker or boggart, are you?"

The _thing_ in front of him looked insulted. "_I_," it said, drawing itself up to its full height, which was admittedly slightly intimidating, "am a Shinigami," it finished.

"A shini-wha-mi?" Matt asked.

"Shi! Ni! Ga! Mi!" the thing announced, obviously not very pleased. This was not how it had pictured first meeting it's human. "My name is Kuyr."

"What's a Shinillama?" Matt asked himself, just noticing that he had dropped whatever the black notebook was. He picked it up again, ignoring the furious stare from the Shinipoo at his slaughtering of the Japanese language. "Do you know what this might be, in any case?" he asked, waving the black notebook in front of the Shinithingy.

"A Death Note," the Shinimabob—Matt had long stopped trying to guess it's species, and so settled with Kuyr—said proudly. Matt also noted that the name Kuyr was male (as far as he could see), so decided to stop insulting it—um, him even further by calling him an 'it'. "It's mine, of course, but now that you've found it, it's yours, I suppose. Or something along those lines."

"Hmm." Matt picked it up, surveying it from all sides, sniffed it up a bit, twirled it around, ripped a few pages out of it, and finally stepped on it. "So, like, what does it do?"

"It kills people," Kuyr said simply.

"WOAH!" Matt gasped. "It kills people? Like, _anyone_? So I can kill Maleficent and Voldemort and Edward Cullen! Whoever the last guy is. Mel seems to hate him."

Kuyr looked stumped. "You need a name, actually—," he began.

"I _have_ names!" Matt said, gesturing wildly.

"...You also need a face," Kuyr tried.

Matt shrugged. "Well, I know what the majority of people look like...except that Edward guy. I'll check on him or something. So how do you kill with this, erm, Death Book?"

"_Note_," Kuyr hissed, getting seriously annoyed now. Of all the humans who could've picked up his notebook, it had to be this annoying redhead. "But to answer your question, you simply write a name in it, and in forty seconds the person in question, provided you have their face in your mind, will die. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"So it can read my mind?" Matt muttered to himself, already writing down his 7th name. On the Death Note already were Maleficent, Voldemort, Bella Swan—"I _do_ know what she looks like," Matt interjected—Deathwing, Galbatorix, Pinocchio and Mario.

Kuyr hastily snatched the notebook from him before he could do any further damage. "WHAT ARE THESE NAMES?" he screeched. "YOU CAN'T KILL FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WITH THIS NOTEBOOK! YOU CAN ONLY KILL PEOPLE LIKE BILL GATES AND LADY GAGA! I strongly recommend the latter, may I mention."

"Who's Lady Gaga?" Matt stared. "Now, if you were talking about Rob Pardo, _that _I could understand." **(1)**

**((1) Rob Pardo is the ex-lead designer of Word of Warcraft)  
**

At this point, Kuyr bashed himself into the wall. He was never dropping his Death Note again. In fact, he might even get his brother Ryuk to drop _his_, just so _he_ could get tortured. But to go back to the Shinigami realms, he would have to rid himself of this boy...

"Listen, kiddo," Kuyr tried patiently, "this killing people is hard work. You have to deal with blood, sweat, tears and pancakes, or whatever humans say. And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to get caught with this thing. So why don't you just give it back to me and—"

"And you'll bring me back a Death Book which kills fictional characters!" Matt finished excitedly, eyes positively shining. "I love it! We have a deal, Kuyr!"

Kuyr had another urge to bash himself against the wall, but resisted. Here was his only chance of freedom...he had to take it... "Alright," he found himself agreeing. "Just repeat after me. I forfeit my Death Note."

"I-forfeit-my-Death-Note," Matt said quickly.

Immediately, Kuyr vanished before his eyes.

"YESSSSSSSSSS!" Kuyr screamed as soon as it was rid of the little kid. "I AM FREE!" he announced to the world, not that there was anyone to hear. "AHAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT, YOU LITTLE BRAT, TAKE THAT!" And with that, he flew off to the Shinigami Realm.

Ryuk, watching from said realm, laughed.

* * *

**A/N:** Oh, by the way, Kuyr is Ryuk backwards (because I am oh-so-creative) xD

Reviewwwws are nice ^^


	9. A waiter

**A/N:** And the new chapter ^-^ Oh by the way guys, I have a question. How long should I keep this story going for? Contemplate that while you read ^^

* * *

Skilfully navigating between the tables and criss-crosses of aisles, Matt made himself through the maze and ended up where the bunch of people had just came in, and were now seating themselves quite comfortably. No, wait, not quite comfortably. One of them was sitting with their legs tucked up on the chair. Another one was sitting in a similar position, but only with one leg. Matt frowned and tried to ignore the sight.

He quickly laid down the plates, knives and forks, and menus, before watching expectantly as the customers browed through. He managed to catch snippets of their conversation, which sounded rather strange.

"Not enough sugar," one of them was complaining.

"Why is chocolate not in the list of main courses?" a blond teen growled loudly. Matt instinctively shied away from him.

"I don't want anything," another teen said. But he had white hair and seemed to be wearing something close to pyjamas.

The only one who seemed to have any sense was a man who was in his late teens or early twenties, with brown hair and a face nobody could dislike. "I will take a chicken casserole for my main please," he told Matt, who nodded. The brunet continued, "and for my entree _and_ dessert, potato chips. Original."

All thoughts of this man having sense flew out the window with that statement. Matt nodded furiously and scribbled something like 'insane' on his notepad, before hurriedly crossing it out and writing 'potato chips' instead.

"I'll a strawberry cake," said the raven-haired man who was sitting in a funny position. "Extra sugar and icing."

Matt scribbled that down too. "And the main course?"

The man frowned and cocked his head to one side. "That _is_ the main course."

Matt was extremely weirded out by now. He turned to the blond who, without being prompted, said, "Chocolate. Chocolate cake for entree, chocolate for main and chocolate ice-cream for dessert."

"Riiiiight."

"Was that sarcasm, four-eyes?" shot the blond.

Matt winced. And he wasn't even wearing glasses. "Of course not, sir. How could I put sarcasm in one word?"

"You're not getting any tips," the blond said blandly.

_Like I'd want tips from them_, thought Matt. "And you, sir?" he asked, turning to the albino.

"Nothing."

"Right, well ..." Matt couldn't really see the point of coming into a restaurant if you weren't going to eat anything, but he gave them his warmest smile possible in situations like this. "It'll be ready in ... erm, yeah."

He zipped away as fast as possible.

-xox-

Literally a minute later, the blond one (who, Matt could now see, was dressed in _all_ leather, despite the impracticality of it all) walked right up to the doors of the kitchen and demanded to know when his chocolate was going to be ready.

"Soon!" yelled one of the chefs, by the name of Matsuda. True to his word, the chocolate came out first, only a few minutes later. And, of course, it was unlucky Matt who had to deliver it to the table.

"Chocolate cake," he said, putting the cake down in front of the blond one.

The one who looked suspiciously like a panda (Matt couldn't help but wonder if they were related) raised an eyebrow. "And mine?"

"Erm ... It's coming?" Or at least, Matt really hoped so. Matsuda had a knack of destroying everything he touched.

"Mello's not allowed to eat until mine comes," proclaimed the panda-man.

The one who was probably named Mello fumed. "What, L? Just because mine came first!"

"That's because you threatened them," said the brunet.

"Shut up, Yagami!"

"You're also awfully loud, Mello," said the sheep-looking one.

And from that simple conversation, Matt learned all their names. Not that he was trying to eavesdrop. Not at all. What gave you that idea? Anyway, the blond one was, obviously, called Mellow. And panda-man was Ell. Or El. Or possibly even L or Elle. Who knew? The brunet with half a sense that isn't really sense is called Yagami. And ... well, the sheep can still be the sheep.

"I'll just ... um ..." Matt quickly snuck out of sight.

-xox-

Thank the Holy Lord of Video Games that Matt didn't have to see that queer group ever again ... until the very end of his shift. He sighed forlornly as he carried the potato chips (that was dessert for the Yagami) over. There were 15 minutes left for his shift! Oh Holy Lord of Video Games, please make time run faster! Nonetheless, he had no choice but to quickly place the chips down and run away as fast as possible.

Or at least, that was what he had planned. And did it work?

Nah.

"I don't like this brand of chips!" said Yagami immediately, as soon as Matt placed it down. "Why did you give me _Sangria _**(1)** flavoured Kettle Chips? Why do wine chips even exist? I thought I told you I wanted _original _and only original!"

**[(1) This is somewhat of an inside joke, but sangria is a type of wine]**

"Well geez!" snapped Matt, finally losing his temper uncharacteristically, "I'm _so sorry!"_

Mello nodded. "I like this guy. I really like this guy. Can we keep him, L?"

L looked from Mello to Matt to Light to Near, and then to Mello again. "Sure."

Mello whooped. Matt frowned, and Light scowled. "Potato chips, please? Original, this time!"

Matt sighed. Fifteen minutes ... another fifteen minutes! Please, Holy Lord of Video Games, just fifteen minutes!

"Alright, Matty-boy!" said Mello excitedly. "You're coming with us!"

"Wait." Matt's frown depend. "How did you even know I was called Matt?"

Mello blinked. "Well, it was the first name I thought of. I was going to call you Matt even if you weren't really named Matt."

"What the hell?" demanded Matt.

"Yeah, you make no sense, Mello," said the pyjama-wearing sheep.

"Shut up, albino sheep!" hissed the blond. "Anyway, come on Matty! Let's go!"

"Huh?" Matt intelligently remarked.

"You're coming with us," repeated Mello very firmly. "Let's go."

"Um, _no thank you sir_," said Matt. "I'd rather just finish 15 minutes of my shift and then leave, thank you very much."

Mello looked horrified. "He's refusing to come with me!" he sobbed. "How could he?"

"There there, Mello," sighed L. "He has abandonment issues," he explained to Matt.

"Right." Well, Matt really didn't want to be here any longer than necessary. He immediately rushed off, and was never seen again.

-xox-

_The next day..._

"Hey!" cried Mello. "You're the waiter I saw last night?"

Matt adjusted his goggles and tried his very best to look like a different person. He hid his head lower into his PSP. He _knew_ he shouldn't have come out into the open so early! "Um, no I'm not," said Matt. "What waiter? I'm just a perfectly nice guy!"

"Yeah, sure," said Mello, rolling his eyes. "And I'm in the Mafia."

"You are?"

"No, Matty! "

"I'm not Matty!" Matt insisted.

Mello pouted and stared up at Matt with his tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. Suddenly, cat ears and a tail appeared, and he shrank into chibi form.

"Okay okay, I'm Matty," Matt sighed, unable to resist the cuteness. "So who are you?"

"Mello," said Mello, and he suddenly materialized into his normal form. "You're coming home with me!"

"N-N-No thanks..." Matt quickly edged away from him.

Mello's eyes narrowed. He reached into his jacket pocket. "You're. Coming. Home. With. Me. Or. Else." Out from his pocket he took a piece of chocolate, which he quickly bit off with a dramatic _CRACK!_

"Or else what?" asked Matt.

Mello thought for a moment. He thought and thought and wracked his brain. "I don't know."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I see."

"So, wanna come home with me?"

"No."

"Please, Matty?"

"No."

Mello burst into tears. "WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?" he sobbed melodramatically. Maybe that was where his name came from.

Matt tried to ignore the stares coming from strangers, shifted a bit further away, and tried to look as innocent as possible.

* * *

**A/N: **Ahaha, please tell me that was at least semi-decent. And does everyone remember the question from up there? How long should I keep this story going for? Because there doesn't seem to be too many reviewers, and this was the last of my chapters written in NaNoWriMo so...I'm out xDD

Reviewwww and tell me what you think ^^

-CC


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